2 posts tagged “joke”

How To Please Your I.T. Department
 
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

   2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

   3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

   4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

   5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

   6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

   7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

   8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

   9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

  10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

  11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice:
"And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

  12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

  13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

  14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

  15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. 

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application ‘Yes Dear’ to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support